Not As What You have Known About Me

By Annie Su

In the past, when the mentally disturbed came close to me, I used to keep away from them on purpose. They always made me feel that they were dangerous and less intellectual. And they seemed to be of lower class, I thought. Because they were suffering from mental disorder, they "should be" separated from other "normal" people. But one day, when got to know that one of my good friends was one of them, I began to change my feelings about them.

I met her about two years ago, and we were classmates. She was a sweet girl who was like the warm sunshine and she always made people feel comfortable. Her sparkled laughter, confident eyes, pleasant intonation; all her appearances seemed to tell you how satisfied she was with her life.

Because we always sat next to each other in our classroom, we became good friends. In the first year, we got along with each other very well; and we liked each other. With the passing of time, I learned more about her and I was more sure about how nice she was. But about her family, I knew nothing.

One day, when we were taking a walk after a weekend dinner, suddenly, she burst out crying in front of me. I was scared and didn't know what to say at that moment. Then she said that she had been suffering from psychological trauma since 4 years ago. And doctors diagnosed her disorder as hysteria. She said that there were always strange voices, just like people talking to her, that came to her brains and she could not control them. She had even tried to kill herself and her best friend. But what made her more terrified was that she couldn't remember what she had done. And now she said that she must be going out of her mind again because something was running off the line of her life again. She was trembling.

After her storm-like crying, I tried to make her quiet and asked her to tell me what had happened. She then told me about the broken family that she always avoided to talk about. She had a fierce father who liked to hit his wife and shout at his children when drunk. But her mother still could not stop herself from loving him. Later her parents got divorced when she was 13years old, because her father had a love affair. Her mother married another man, but the man did the same thing to her mother. With her third husband, the mother still could not find stable love and a sense of safety. Hysteria attacked her mother about six years ago, and almost led her mother to commit suicide. She was too depressed to face the days in the future. And the betrayal of the men she had loved had made it harder and harder for her to believe that there were still men who would love her.

After experiencing so much trauma, her mother advised her never to believe in men all her life in the future. But my friend never realized how terrible her father's violence and her mother's terror had influenced her. Although she had seen her own mother going crazy, it was not until her own boyfriend had betrayed her that she learned how much pressure her mother had suffered. My friend couldn't bear such betrayal and impact either. She didn't understand why there was so much frustration in her life and she couldn't bear it. For the first time, I do not know how to help my good friend. I could do nothing at all, besides listening and being silent.

I have no right to say any word to her. All my past days, I have been too lucky. I live in a happy and peaceful home, and all my family have treated me well. It's hard for me to imagine such difficulties in my own life. And I hate myself for not being able to be with her and sharing her sorrow. All I could do was just hug her tightly and comfort her. Up to the very moment when she had told all about herself, I realized how much I had been wrong about the mentally disturbed. In fact, they are really innocent and need more concern. And now, God knows how much I long to be one of them!

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