Empty-nest syndrome

Written by Christine Webber, psychotherapist and lifecoach and Dr David Delvin, GP and family planning specialist

Empty-nest syndrome is a term commonly used for a psychological or emotional condition that can affect a woman around the time that one or more of her children leave home.  It can also occur when a child gets married, because matrimony is a clear signal that Mum is no longer needed in the same way she once was.  Most often it occurs at the time of year (autumn) when vast numbers of teenagers have just left home for college or university.

But what is empty-nest syndrome?

Well, it's not a term you'll find in many medical text books, but it has become a useful phrase for identifying and encapsulating the feelings of sadness and loss that many women experience when their children no longer live with them, or need day-to-day care.

Normal reactions

It is quite normal for a mother to feel some sadness at this time. It is quite normal to have a little weep now and again - and it is even normal to go into the absent child's bedroom and sit there for a bit in an attempt to feel closer to him or her.  In fact, we know of one very successful, busy and confident woman - an agony aunt in fact - who confessed to going into her son's bedroom to sniff his T-shirt shortly after he left to go to university for the first time.  So don't be ashamed of your feelings - they are natural.

More troubling reactions

If, on the other hand, you are feeling that your useful life has ended, or if you are crying excessively, or if you're so sad that you don't want to mix with friends or go to work, then you should seek professional help - especially if these severe symptoms go on for longer than a week.  In this kind of situation, what seems to happen is that the child's departure unleashes seriously depressed feelings - and these very definitely need treating.  So if you know that your sadness is overwhelming you, do go and discuss your feelings with your doctor as soon as possible.  You may need antidepressants and you almost certainly could use some counselling to get your feelings into perspective.  Commonly when a woman is at the stage in life where her kids are leaving, she may also be going through other major changes - like dealing with the menopause, or trying to cope with increasingly dependent elderly parents.  So this is a difficult time - and it's no disgrace if you need help of various kinds to get through it.  If your menopausal symptoms are badly affecting you - and they seem worse because of your kids leaving home - don't ignore them.  Your doctor should be able to help.

Practical tips to get you over empty-nest syndrome

When your child leaves home, you'll obviously want to keep in touch with him or her. But don't try and do this excessively.  Be sensitive to the fact that your son or daughter is trying to take a big, significant step in life - which isn't actually much to do with you.  Your offspring will need your support, but will not want to feel swamped.  And the more you cling or show that you're upset, the less likelihood there is of him or her contacting you.

So, ration your calls to no more than two a week.  Also, some of the time try texting, or using email instead of phoning.  You'll be able to put your feelings succinctly without getting too emotional.  This form of communication will probably suit your child better, too.  After all, it's much easier for a young person to say: 'Hi, mum. I really, really miss you,' in an email - rather than on the phone where other students might be listening.  If your child is having a miserable time at university or college, do resist the impulse to be pleased about this!  And don't suggest that he or she gives up and comes home.  Plenty of teenagers are very miserable and lonely for a couple of weeks, but they deal with it. And that is a great accomplishment.  So be supportive, but don't sort everything for them - and certainly don't try to bring them back home. 

Meanwhile, you need some help and support for your feelings.  Lean on your friends - maybe some of them are going through the same thing, or have gone through it.  And be very kind to yourself.  Think of treats for yourself: you could have a long lie in a scented bath for example - in fact you may come to see that although you've lost a teenager, you've gained a bathroom!

You and your relationship

You may be a lone parent - and currently single - in which case I hope you're thinking in terms of extending your circle of friends and possibly in finding another mate.  But if you are in a long-term relationship - especially one with your child's father - then what seems like empty-nest syndrome can actually be a sense of despair about the state of your romance.

Of course it's marvellous when a couple rediscover each other after the kids have flown the coop and start having a happier, more companionable and sexier time.  But what happens if you find that the children's departure forces you to face the fact that your relationship is redundant?  A client of ours - we'll call her Sarah - told me how she and her husband went on a holiday of a lifetime shortly after their children left home.  They went cruising to exotic places.  But they discovered that they had very different views on how to spend the daytime hours.  She wanted to visit ancient sites and ruins, and he wanted to read and to sip gin and tonics by the pool.  Evenings were no better.  They sat opposite each other over exquisite candle-lit dinners every night, and could think of nothing to discuss. 

Unfortunately, when the children leave this can expose any flaws in your relationship. It may not be in such bad shape as Sarah's, but it might still leave a lot to be desired.  Can you save it?  Only if you both have a mind to do so.  If the will is there to rebuild your marriage or relationship, do try counseling.  If you don't want to keep trying, or if all attempts to shore up the relationship fail, then you're going to have to face even more changes in your life. 

This is a very challenging time for you. Nothing will ever be the same again.  But just because everything's different doesn't mean it can't be as good.  Many women enjoy the second half of their lives hugely - and they end up doing all sorts of things they would never have dreamed of when they saw themselves as 'just a mum'.

It's not just emotions and relationships

This can also be a time of fresh beginnings in terms of employment.  Perhaps you've only ever done poorly paid part-time jobs while the children were at home.  Now you've got a chance to have a fresh start.  You might like to consider further education or training.

How can you help if you're the young person leaving home?

If you're a teenager who has left home - or is about to go - and you know your mum is really suffering, what can you do?

Don't make the mistake of trying to curtail your activities to please her.  Your development depends on you finding your adult feet, and in going off to learn new things, do new jobs and make new friends and relationships.  That's the way of the world.  The empty-nest syndrome is actually your mum's problem - not yours.

Of course you'll want to be sympathetic and kind to her.  After all, she does love you very much: she wouldn't have empty-nest syndrome if she didn't!  But don't allow yourself to be pressurised into coming home more often than you want, or can afford.  And don't fall into the trap of having to ring her every day.  Arrange with her when you will phone her - perhaps twice a week - and stick to that.  Please do be fair about this and remember to call when she is expecting you to do so.

An extra email or text message on top of that will probably help to cheer her up.  But don't do so many that she comes to expect them.  They should be a pleasant surprise for her - and a pleasure for you to do, not a duty.  Don't forget, this is not just a time when you're forging your independence. She's got to do the same.