See how easy my ignorance turned sour         

  Alulu

Junior high, girl fights, and things do not just get tart under those deliberately cut short uniform skirts.  8^th grade, I along with my sporty girlfriends wounded to defend ourselves in one of those raging basketball court fights, which amplified my already hideous teenage problems.  My silly green memories led to my million urges rebelling against anyone who was of authority to me, the battle from the court supplied the bloody pay back time -- the adult world threw all my crudeness right back in my face so hard I woke up to see my ignorance turn sour.

 We had these basketball games held in 8^th grade, I was one of the girls to play up there and see how things can get ugly.  We got better grades than other kids, we didn』t dress the way they did…all these differences added to those disputes that occurred in the games gave them perfect reasons to dislike us.  We became, somewhat like, feuding gangs.  My friends and I had to be careful where we were looking at while walking down the hallways, no staring at those girls that』s the rule.

All the 8^th grade students shared the same classroom in taking music lessons.  One day when it was our turn to use the classroom, I found a few words saying real bad things about my teammates written on my desk.  We instantly knew who had done that, we told our teacher, and it turned out the way we expected- those girls used the classroom right before us.  Our teacher said she would go tell them to stop doing that, then we cleaned up the words and never thought anything worse could happen.

One week later we went back to that same classroom for our lessons.  The minute we walked in there my teacher called my name, I stepped forward to see her looking real wicked in front of her platform.

「Did you write anything on your desk?」 She asked me already with an answer in her head.  

I had no idea what she was referring to at that moment.  I actually thought she must have called the wrong name. 「Huh?」 I said, standing there looking all puzzled.

「Don』t you lie to me! I know you did that, and don』t give me that look! 」 

「What?! What did I write?」 Her question seemed to come out of the blue.

「And don』t you tell me you didn』t write those dirty things about those girls in the other class?」

「But I didn』t…」 Now I began to understand what was going on here. 

「Don』t you act like you don』t know anything. Those words were written on your desk, and you tell me you didn』t do that?」  Now she was really getting mad.

「Anyone could have done that.  I haven』t even been here since last time I had this class. 」

「Then who else do you think could have done that!! And how the hell do I know you wouldn』t somehow sneak in here and do whatever you pleased?」   

Now I was really getting mad myself.  She actually thought I would be so interested in sneaking in her classroom in the middle of the night just so I could write some superficial comments about some girls whose names I don』t even know.

It was all so obvious.  Those girls wrote down those stupid things about themselves and made it look like I did it.  It』s amazing how their stingy little heads could have thought up such beautifully entertaining revenge.  And it』s just more stunning how easily my teacher was to be fooled by their brilliant witty lies.

「They themselves are the ones who wrote those things.」 I hoped my teacher could at least have a tiny idea of what I was trying to implicate.

「And why would anyone want to write those things about themselves?!」 She clearly lacked imagination, it could be quite time-consuming to explain the whole situation to her shallow senses.  I didn』t bother helping her illustrate the whole picture, instead I intended to solve this in another way, 「You have no proof those words were written by me.」

「You think I can』t prove that? I』ve checked all of your homework, you think I can』t recognize your handwritings? You have to thank me I didn』t compare your handwritings before I cleaned up the words on your desk.」 She actually believed that checking eight hundred students』 musical notes counts for something.

Really I didn』t want to fight her stubborn temper, better just leave it before it gets too ugly.  I stopped talking.  She looked at me, 「Ok, this is the first time, I forgive you, don』t ever do this again you hear me?」

I tried to stay calm. 「Yes, mam.」

「You may step down.」

「Thank you.」

I went back to my seat feeling all dizzy and on the verge of bursting into tears.  One of my teammates sat right behind me, she asked me what happened, I told her, then the whole event exploded before I could have done anything in preparation. 

「Teacher, you accused us of something we did not do!!」 My teammate yelled out loud.

My teacher turned around looking real scary and shouted, 「What』s that attitude!!! What』s that attitude in talking to your teacher!!! 」 That』s when I knew everything had gone bad, real bad.  I was frightened and feeling all messed up while my friend was still there yelling how she had mistaken us.

「What? What are you trying to say? You saying that I mistook you?!」

I couldn』t hold it anymore and started weeping, my teacher asked me to stop crying and explain the whole thing. See you can』t just tell someone to stop crying whenever you want as if it』s that easy to control.  I took a deep deep breath and began talking at the same time still weeping.  Now I can』t even recall what I said that time exactly, just words intending to explain our statements, which was WE DID NOT DO THAT.  But then according to my teacher』s reaction, apparently whatever I said must have not been convincing enough to her high standard.  She was totally pissed by our arrogant attitude; all she needed was a little R.E.S.P.E.C.T.   

「Don』t think you people who have pretty grades can fool others like this!! That is no way to talk to someone older than you!!! I am so sick of your tiny little games!! Whatever discords you have on the basketball courts, leave it there, don』t try to bring it to my classroom!」  Since when does this have anything to do with our grades? 「Now I』m teaching you how you should act in front of an elder person, right now you』re all so protected by your parents and teachers, and you better remember what I told you, or else you』ll know how to suffer the consequences.」

She looked at us and paused for one second, then said she』s tired of this issue.  She stopped the argument and began her lesson, the whole time I was there my head was all a blank.

After the class my friend thought it』d be better if we apologize to her, after all, she was still the bloody teacher.  We stayed till everyone left the room and said our sorry to her, once again proclaimed our innocence – in a rather cautious way.  She accepted our apology.

A few weeks later one of our teachers suggested we go talk the whole thing off with our music teacher and at least leave her a good impression of us.  We went to see her on a rainy day the whole campus was bathed in an eerie flood, she was sitting there with her face like a wall, and how weird her skirt, her leather shoes and her creepy pantihose could seem so distant from the slight natural disaster floating right beside her heels. She was like a statue sitting in the whole lot of dirty water and all the fluid was my confusion of the real world, they remained still on the ground.

Somehow I got the feeling she was trying to cover up the fact that she had ever lost her temper and done harm to her students.  She said she has already forgotten the whole thing that day after work, said it wasn』t that big a deal, asked us if we felt the same? did we forget as well?  Her tone suggested that agreeing with her at that specific moment would be the fastest way to cool down all the tension and settle the whole thing.  My friend nodded yes, I gave her the same old puzzled look.

Throughout the whole event we kept insisting on our innocence, and the whole time she never said a single word admitting it; perhaps she still couldn』t dare trust two snobbish wet-behind-the-ears cocky schoolgirls, and perhaps it was just too harsh for her to smother her noble pride to confess to such an easy- forgotten incident.  She had her imbalanced perceptions toward us and the other girls, and with that she made the judgment criticizing the imbalance between our integrity and our academic performances.  Certain educational aims made her, a junior high school music teacher, in some ways felt neglected and not being able to achieve enough accomplishments to her request, which explained her sensitive reaction when poked by what she feared the most that would hurt her.  When she was at her rage, she threatened to tell school to investigate the whole thing, she thought that would shut us up, yet we instantly agreed with that since we』re confident and needed a way to clarify the truth, then funny how she switched her statement real fast warning us how inconvenient that could be and would hold back our progress preparing for the high school exam.  She tried to set the image of a real life tutor teaching us lessons about the world outside school books, yet her image was so full of holes she became the real life example of the world outside. 

As for me, the humiliation along with the extreme anger were so hard to bear I couldn』t swallow it well enough to laugh it off.  It was the first time in my life I really hated somebody and that was like a thing stuck in my throat I choked and puked so bad. 

It』s not like I really was completely green and ignorant all the way to 8^th grade, I was let down by grown-ups many times ever since I was much younger, and very often I heard how ugly reality bites, I was already aware of those tiny tragedies occurred in their world.  All those flaws I met somehow made me believe that there』s much in me that is better than adults, and it was those beliefs which made me fall and hurt so bad.  It』s been 5 years from then and still I』m not fully recovered.  I was 14 at that time dealing with all the million teenage imperfections, the incidence deepened my resistance and fear toward adulthood. Now I』m 19 going on 20, so close to step in majority, and who knows, maybe one day I』ll thank my 8^th grade music teacher for feeding me all those sharp tips about the so-called real world.