Erica

I miss you , Grandpa

    Grandpa had slept in this tomb for one year. It is near the top of a hill. Clouds and mist surround it. Here I am standing again, with a joss stick in my hand. Compared with the deep sorrow one year ago, I am now tranquil. Each family members  bowed in front of  Grandpa』s tomb, and put the joss sticks into the incense burner. 「I miss you, Grandpa. Grandma misses you a lot, too. We are fine now. Hope you are fine, too.」 I talked to grandpa when bowing.

     I don』t remember how I comforted myself, but I do know I have changed during this year.

    Grandpa was always in good health. When I was in elementary school, Grandpa was about 70 years old. Though he was old, he still liked to sing with the Chinese opera. He enjoyed the music a lot on a very old radio. He had very big belly, and I always hugged it tightly with both of my arms, and Grandpa laughed when I did so.

    My Grandparents lived very near us. Every evening after dinner, Grandpa taught me Chinese calligraphy. He always held my little hand with his big one, and taught me how much ink and strength I should use. Grandpa would teach me three words everyday, and I would practice the words three times. After the calligraphy, I taught him Chinese phonetic symbols. I taught him not because he didn』t understand them, but because I loved to pretend to be a teacher. It was a child』s game. I wrote the symbols on a big poster. I pronounced the symbols, and Grandpa repeated them after me. Grandpa even did the homework I gave him. That made me feel like a real teacher. Grandpa always held me up with his arms and asked me, 「Did you eat well? Are you full?」, and I would say 「Yes! I』m very full! Grandpa!」. It was really a good time with Grandpa when I was still little.

    However, I didn』t see Grandpa so often as I grew up. Firstly, it was because I had to stay at school until 9 pm for the entrance examination preparation. Also, it was because……I』m not sure, maybe a certain aloofness. I no longer easily express my feelings as I had when a child. Or maybe I didn』t feel so much like a child. All I thought about were exams, friends, school activities, etc. I liked to be with friends a lot more than with family.

    After entering college, I came back from school once a week. Sometimes I didn』t see Grandpa for almost a month even though we lived so close. I thought several times about the fact that my Grandparents were getting older and older. I just thought of it, but I didn』t do anything about it. I knew it was different from the time when I was little. I had come to get along with Grandpa and Grandma in a different way. I didn』t understand why it』s so hard to express my feelings now.

    But suddenly, everything changed.

    It was on October 20 last year. That night while I walked into the door around 9 o』clock, I felt something really strange in my home.

    I found my father』s slippers were sprawled near the sofa, with his nightclothes beside it. I checked the kitchen, and it seemed my mother was cooking a few minutes ago because the soup was not yet cooked thoroughly and the chopsticks were in a clutter. I was sure they went our urgently. A feeling came over me at that time…… Suddenly the phone rang. It was Grandma, she said in a weak voice she had never used before, 「Grandpa had just passed away. Mommy and Daddy went to the hospital. Can you come here and accompany me?」

    I was too shocked. But I still comforted Grandma calmly. Right away I went to the next house where my Grandparents lived in. I saw Grandma lie on the bed. She was calm, but wanted me to hold her hand tightly.

    The doctor said it was because of apoplexy.

    I had never had this kind of feeling. It felt strange.

    I didn』t realize what is passing away until that night. My Dad prepared a piece of luggage for Grandpa, which included Grandpa』s glasses, cup, stick, clothes, and family pictures. I put a homework notebook of Chinese phonetic symbols in it, and wrote the words 「I love you, Grandpa.」 in Chinese calligraphy. This piece of luggage was put into the earth with Grandpa.

    I stay home more often now. I don』t think about how I should get along with Grandma or my parents as much as before. Sometimes I buy little things for Grandma and stay with her. Grandma still talks about Grandpa. She complains about how he ate in an unhealthy way, how his rashness annoyed her, or how he missed details in daily life. She still misses him a lot. Sometimes Grandma talks about their old house in Shanghai. She says it was a small garret, and all the six family members used to live in it. The last time I heard these stories was in elementary school. I liked to hear them again and again now. Grandma can repeat every story to me.

     Sometimes I notice my parents』 hair getting gray. I stay home more often to be with them and don』t have so many quarrels with them now.

     It』s been one year. I know I changed a lot since then, and I can feel it myself. I wrote this essay to commemorate Grandpa. And I hope all of the relatives spread outside of Taiwan can often come home, and get together.