Jessie

Trapped in Great Expectations       

        I want to get out, out to a place where no one expects you to be great, where failure is acceptable, where I can plan my own life and might actually achieve MY goals.  But now, I can only dream, and can』t dream for long either, 『cause I still got a lot of homework to do.  You know, I never understood the deadline pressures or the pre-test stress until I entered NCU English Department—the place where all my misfortunes began.  How did I get myself into this mess you might ask?  Well, weakness is the answer.

        It all started in my last year of high school.  I was working very hard toward my goal—becoming a Medical School Student, and believed with my excellent grades I would definitely succeed.  After the result of our first mock test, my teacher called me to his office.  He told me that I scored 「0」 on my Physic test.  I had already given-up Physic by then, so I told him not to worry, I would make it up with other subjects.  Then he threw in the real bomb, 「the chance of entering any college with a subject scoring zero is 「0」, not to mention a medical school.」  Therefore, he wants me to enter an English department, which only required great English grades.  I was so shocked that I can』t even remember how I got home.  But seeing my grandparents and uncles sitting in our living room I knew that my teacher had probably called and told them the situation.

        As the first grandchild of a well-recognized academic family, I have always been at the center of all attentions.  My family would put me under the spotlight and examine me regularly, especially my academic achievements.  I am supposed to carry on all the un-finished dreams of my grandparents and parents, and be the model for all of my siblings and cousins.  Of course I had my ups and downs, but I had always managed to get through all the obstacles that I faced.  I had always worked so hard to reach the goal of my life—the goal that they approved, and I had NEVER let them down before.  They must have seen my efforts, I believed, so they would definitely give me another chance if I pleaded.  But I was wrong, just when I tried to argue and claim my position, my Dad spoke.  He said, 「Our family DOES NOT accept losers」.  I knew then, the discussion is over and decision settled, because to them, losers are those who can』t get in the top 10 universities.  From that time on, my world shattered and I know I will never be the same again.

        Indeed, I am not the same.  My future is no longer bright and hopeful, like that of most other college students.  I am trapped in this cage made of expectations from my family, but what about my own expectations, my own dreams?  I might be a winner to them, but a loser to myself.  Because I don』t have the guts to break free and find a way out.  Have you ever seen a trick that』s done to dogs?  Where people will tie a sort of fishing pole around the dog』s neck and hang a piece of bone in front of it.  The dog will chase and chase and chase all day long, just to get the bone.  That』s its life long target—get the bone and eat it.  Can you image what would happen if we just took the bone away?  It might not be a big deal to you, but to the dog that means the loss of purpose for living.  And I am that dog now.