Muriel

I』m Just a Poor, 18-year-old Student

     I first found that I liked a woman when I was 10 years old.  My parents always supported me no matter I was a lesbian or a straight person.  Therefore I had never felt guilty or wrong with my sexual orientation.  This might be seen as a good thing, but maybe it is not at all.

     About 5 years ago, after I was once again dumped by a lover, my mother said, 「Have you ever wondered why you』re always being dumped?  I』ll tell you why.  You』ve always fallen in love with older women.  But you』re still young, still searching; your lovers and you have no friends or life experiences in common; they have more freedom than you do.  That』s why your lovers definitely would not stay with you for a long time.」

     A few years later, I was sitting on the chair in the French class in NTNU, I saw this beautiful woman in a very nice dress.  She had long hair and a pretty face.   The dress on her was a suit made up of very fine fabric.  She walked gracefully straight toward me then sat down on my left side.  All I could think of was that she must be rich to wear that dress.  Her name is Natalie.  She was 28 and rich; she had just come back from the U.S.; she had a girlfriend then.

     About a month before the French class began, I felt restless during those days and nights for an unknown reason.  I could not sleep well, I could not make myself calm down during the days either.  Until I met her and talked to her I found the anxiety was for the encounter I didn』t even know.  Surprisingly she felt the same anxiety as I did.  From that time, I got sure that it all came from her--- a person I did not know much.  I then told my classmate I knew if I couldn』t keep my mind and body away from this woman, it would be totally out of control.  All this amazing feelings frightened me and presaged the fate.
     We did go out of control. 
     At first, it was only a late dinner after class.  One afternoon on the bus, I held her hand, so close to my heart and me.  My whole body shook with fear and bliss and something I could not even describe with concrete words.  Then dizzy kisses came along.  My feet lacked strength and I fell into fantasies I had never dreamed of.  I did not know at all before that kisses could be like this.  I did not know that a body could be so sensitive to every vibration inside.  I did not know that two souls could talk and resonate to each other.  We really could not understand a bit about what the souls were talking, but it just came to us.  What we felt needed no words and understanding, it just happened like it was meant to be.
     Then there came the 「connection」 between us.  One night I tried to feel what she was feeling--- she had a serious heartache very often.  I just wanted to give it a try, wanted to know if what Zo』e(邱妙津) said is possible.  Then I felt it!  I felt the actual ache just a little weaker than hers.  And by sharing each other』s feelings, the ache weakened.  Afterwards, sometimes when I felt my heart beating fast or aching, then I knew I was partaking of her pain.  I could even predict the ache』s coming.  We started to have the 「connection」 between us.  We could share and partake of the other』s heartache and sadness.  My mother treated me like a mad person.  While partaking of another』s everything, it felt like finally I knew someone was there for me.  I was not alone in this world; I have someone to share everything with me.
    We skipped almost every French class to go to hotels or on dates.  We hung around until midnight and spent the rest of time talking on the phone.  We did not want to be apart for a single moment.  We treasured every second together.  She came to see me instead of joining the business presentation.  And I went to her office every noon for the one-hour lunch break.  Even on the phone, we could always feel each other』s soul.  We would lie in bed, hold on to the phone, and feel surrounded by the body warmth surrounded, and we held each other so close through the 「connection」.  We could even feel the cum and the quakes of our souls through the phone.  I was not able to talk; all I could do was groaning. 
     But it did not seem right, I guess, to her.  All the other people considered us as being out of our minds.  How could an adult lose her rationality to spend all her time doing these insane things and believing in that crazy 「connection」?  How could an adult leave her work and family behind to be with a child?  How could Natalie dump her girlfriend who was coming back to Taiwan just for her?  We felt so much bliss that was at the same time unbearable and painful when being together.  And we ached even more when apart from this only person who knew and sensed everything.

     I knew that last day would come.  Even though we had so much chemistry, so many desires, and the precious 「connection」, I knew the day would come.  When the last day came, she wrote a long letter to me.  In that letter she wrote, 「How much I wish we were of the same status, at least equal in the values of the society--- age, same freedom, and not lesbian.」 

     I was extremely angry for it seemed like an excuse to me.  Was the status so important?  Did we break up because I was just 17, a poor student, and gay; while she was a 28-year-old, rich businesswoman?  Was I not mature enough to be together with someone who』s older?  Was money more important in a relationship than the connection and explosion between us?  The question came to me one after another.

     Then I found the answers were 「yes」!  I was truly like what she described--- self-centered, inconsiderate, and naive.  I never realized that love was not everything, and love did not provide all the answers.  Love was not enough to support a relationship on its own.  I was 17 years old, poor; I did not have so much freedom; I had to go to school everyday, etc.  The relationship between us is a fantasy; fantasies always fail in reality.  How could I fight with the reality?  What did I have to convince her to be with me regardless of her career and her family?  Nothing!  I had been so self-centered that I did not want to admit the problems that did exist. 

     Natalie once said, 「If I were 18, I would follow you despite all the trouble.」  At the time, I hated her and myself so much.  I could not forgive her for she had told me the truth; for I was truly like what she described, and I could not do anything about it.  I cried for so many days until one day I lost my tears.  I abandoned myself to meaningless wandering--- climbing the hill beside my high school, hanging out in parks we had been in.  I got drunk and lay in bed, and dropped most classes.  I had one-night-stands with my male and female friends; I was probably raped by a stranger.  I could not forgive myself for becoming dirty and cheap.  A useless being so useless, I did not deserve to love her nor to be loved by her.
     After all these insane things I had done, I gradually came to accept who I was.  I could not change any of the fact--- I was 18, poor, and useless.  After 17 years of living, I finally began to learn that there were too many things I could not change.  I could not ask her to leave her work and family behind only to be together with me.  And to her, there was no space for compromise.  Our love was just like that; we would destroy everything included the love itself.  I do not know if this realization could be identified as a kind of forgiveness.  Even though I would still rather be dumped for my mistakes or defect than be dumped for a position I could not change.  Yet, I discovered the only way to feel better was to accept who I was.  After 17 years of living and so many months of suffering, I regard it as the forgiveness of Natalie, myself, and the status, and the world.