A
LONG WAY TO 「UNDERSTAND MATH」
「Ding Dong Dong
Dong~」 Every morning and afternoon, I happily started and ended the day in
school according to the ringing bell. As
a freshman in junior high school who was exposed to a strange environment, I
was at first afraid; nevertheless, the new life afterwards was so
unexpectedly joyful that it swiftly smoothed the original uneasiness that
haunted me. It might be
my natural easy-going personality or else my intentional obedience dealing
with public relationship that pleased my fellow classmates, on the first day
of school, I was immediately surrounded by many girls during the break time,
who kept saying the same phrase」 Daisy, you are so cute, let』s be best
friends hereafter!」 My
classmates always flattered me to be a girl who was so easy to please, so
cheerful to look on the good side of everything, and so delicate to be
willing to be everyone』s good friend. As the major group of girls had soon formed, I happened to be
the core of them. They told me
I was always the first one whom they wanted to confide their secrets and
emotions to; we group of girls had fun together, had meals together, and
even went to the restroom together.
Despite my lack of interest and poor effort in Math, I was still in
my Chinese and English teachers』 favor; they not only gave public
compliments on my performances, but also assigned me to be the class
assistant. In this way, I was
building up my world and building up my pride. Day after day, I indulged in the idea that everybody liked me,
and I seemed to be quite a good and agreeable student in the class.
One afternoon a
classmate who came to me for help in solving a Math problem, while we were
silently working on that question, a voice from my next seat interrupted」
I didn』t realize that Daisy is able to teach Math! Ha!」
I was stunned at the sarcasm--was she just jokingly making fun of me
or was she intentionally trying to embarrass me?
Either way, that sentence had cut the original diligent harmony into
dead silent pieces. As I
recovered and faked a smile trying to smooth the harsh situation, I found
myself looking at the blank and uneasy faces of my two classmates suddenly
strangely uncertain and ambivalent to me.
As I tried to find in their eyes clues to explain the weirdness I
felt, there was only the forbidden truth ready to answer me, which I not yet
recognized. 「Ding dong dong
dong~」 The bell rang to end the school day, and so accordingly dissolved
our frozen communication. I
locked all my wonderings behind, gathered up my stuff, smilingly bid them
goodbye as usual, and walked out of their sight before my streaming tears
and exploded emotions were seen.
Why were they doing
this to me? What did their
unspoken silence at that time suggest?
Weren』t we good friends? How
come they didn』t tell me to my face?
Thousands of possible and impossible reasons mixing with uncontrolled
rage and embarrassment trapped me in the mist of hatred toward my
classmates, and inevitably, toward myself. As
I gradually got rid of the tangled emotions that surged in my mind, I came
up with a very reluctant but clear answer—I was considered incapable of
helping with Math. It was a
ridiculously silly revelation, because I was never good at Math and I should
have been the first one to know it; however, the initial budding pride in my
popularity and academic performances simply blossomed out too rapidly so
that it blocked my self-perception and gradually blinded me to all
imperfections. Finally the key
to my salvation was such a silly and obvious reality, yet it had seemed too
obvious for me to realize.
I suppose I really
owe that classmate a gratitude; since that realization, I have ironically
become the real perfectionist in all subjects』 performances—I challenge
myself not to slack off as long as there』s still space for me to improve
and with this resolution, I thereafter often the champion of each
term-exams. Thanks to my
classmate』s sarcasm, I tasted the real joy of establishing my own success
step by step; rebirthing from my former delusive pride, I was able to
redefine and rebuild my own sense of pride. The
freeze frame which filled with unspoken truths of three of us staring at one
another silently had already been carved on my mind, and allows me to
reflect and ponder on it from time to time; as I totally got over this
incident, the epiphany flashed into my mind—there is one (or many)
inherent veil that wraps the friendship or any other relationship.
The veil creates and protects the apparent harmony, politeness and
intimacy, and there』re concealed and potential disagreement, crisis, and
reality that lie behind the veil. It
never occurred to me that one Math problem could solve the gap between the
self I imagined and another self in people』s concepts, nor that a piece of
joking sarcasm could become a turning point between an ignorant girl and the
more self-reflexive one. I do
not regret breaking through that veil or letting go my original innocence,
maybe there』re plenty more existed, and I probably break through another
without intention again!
