You think just by being strong, you can
conquer and overcome all opposing opinions in conversations. You think
that by having enough knowledge, resources and guts, you can shut up all
of those unreasonable people. But sometimes, it is not your problem,
sometimes it is just the stubbornness of that someone who makes you want
to surrender to all their smart remarks and give up your right to
speech, and in the end, you do.
It took me 20 years to figure this out. At
first He and I were very close; I could play with him, joke with him, or
talk to him about anything I was in the mood for. That was when I was
very young and didn』t hold out a mind of my own, and like every other
child, followed the footsteps of those who were there to lead me. I
guess I just didn』t realize soon enough that He liked for me to
obey his commands all the time without any disagreements; he liked to
dominate my actions and my life. It was very convenient for me as a
child; I was always told what to do, when and how to do it, like a seed
waiting for it to rain and shine so that it would grow into a flower
properly.
What we both didn』t see coming was that I was
growing up and I would eventually start developing a mind of my own.
Little did I know that this empty head of mine soon grew into one full
of my own ideas and beliefs, enough to fight back for the times I felt
reluctant to give in to Him. He obviously wasn』t used to seeing this
「little mind」 speaking up for herself, and He resisted to change his
ways, keeping me locked up in that tiny safe shell by saying things
like, 「you』re too young, what do you know, listen to me」. I
admit I probably don』t know a lot compared with him, but that』s really
no reason at all to shut me out. I was born to learn; I was not
supposed to know everything; but I had every right to disagree.
Apparently, I got too big for the shell and was trying to fight my way
out.
The confrontations
between us resembled disastrous revolutions the first few times and many
times I broke down and cried as if I couldn』t hold myself together
anymore. All too often, he would take my remarks the wrong way.
Whenever I tried to express an opinion or stand up for my rights, he』d
say that I was being rebellious and trying to talk back at him. He
criticized me for being irreverent and stubborn. But how am I ever
going to learn compromising and peaceful negotiations if I don』t start
speaking up for myself? Sometimes he just wanted to throw defensive
remarks back at me for the sake of appearing not to be beaten down by
me. But we were not competitors in a deadly struggle for power. I was
not trying to win; I was just trying to reach some kind of compromise
without having him dominate over everything that comes our way. The
problem was, He obviously did not see things this way.
These first dozen times left me afraid and
more vulnerable. I just couldn』t stand breaking down every time I tried
to defend myself. So I』ve found a solution, maybe not the smartest or
even close to the best, but just for the time being, I』ve decided to
give up and shut up. At least it brought calmness to my life. I can』t
say I gave up without a battle. I did fight; I』ve bled and hurt, and
now I』ve chosen to surrender to the stubborn—if only for the time being.