Yesterday when I was in the drama class, we played a little game of
physical contact with our classmates. The game goes like this: first,
the whole class stand in a circle and one by one you touch each person
in the circle and tell him or her what you think is the best part of his
or her body and then go ahead to touch or caress that particular body
part. Sounds like an easy job. It is--if you know everyone, including
the teacher. That』s why I played the game with no ease. I was a
newcomer there.
Before it came to be my turn, I kept on wondering what to do. Should I
act the way I am (I mean, to behave clumsily and be a funny girl) or
should I put on the mask I always wear—pretending to be an elegant girl?
If
I were to choose to be elegant, it would be simple and easy. I would
just behave like a shy girl and when it was my turn, I could act as if I
was too shy to have any eye contact or physical contact with any of the
classmates. And no one would blame me for not really enjoying the game.
Since I was a new student there, they would just be very considerate
toward me. (「She knows no one here. Naturally she would be shy.」)
What would be even easier was that when playing this game, I wouldn』t
have to express how I truly feel. (Since I would be pretending to be
someone else, even my feelings could be fake. They didn』t have to be
real). I could stand in front of a girl and say she was extremely
beautiful even though I really didn』t think so. And in this way, what
the girl felt would have nothing to do with me cause whatever she was
reacting to was merely who I was pretending to be. It wasn』t me
exactly. If they later judge my character accordingly, I would never
care cause the one they are judging wouldn』t be me exactly.
The
only problem was, since I was merely acting, I would have to think about
how to continue the act even after the game was over. It would be
tiring and, in fact, I would not gain anything from this game.
Or--I could just be my self. I would just express what I felt and act
the way I am. In this way I wouldn』t have to pretend or hide my inner
self. It could be fun and I would be really free. When playing the
game this way, I could learn something from it and learn something about
myself too. And since I acted the real me, it would be easy for me to
make the game fun and full of laughter. Next time when meeting these
classmates again, they would consider me to be a sweet girl and tease
me. It would then bridge the gap between new friends.
Of
course the situation would also bring a problem: people would judge me
by the way I presented myself. They would look at what I said and what
I did that day and use this to judge what kind of a person I would be in
the future. Maybe from my behavior, they would form a prejudice that I
was not suitable for this job or that. And maybe they would be
disgusted with my character and I would really hate that. I have always
wanted to be a perfect person. Anything that abases me would make me
crazy. That is why sometimes I really have to pretend to be somebody
else. I know the character would be more perfect than I am.
Well, in the end I chose the latter. I acted the real me. With no
pretending, I found it easy to interact with others. I just said what I
truly felt and tried to be my self. The feelings were great. You
expressed your true feelings and hoped for a favorable reaction. And it
turned out to be good. I thought my real character was annoying and
sometimes low-minded, but it seemed that this character was much
welcomed. And I never thought of that; I had always been too concerned
with how people thought of me.
From this experience in the drama class, I have learned an important
lesson: be my real self and let go what people think. After all, it is
I who will live my own life.