Ethics--Coming Out at Work

Coming Out at Work

by Susan Bryant
Monster Contributing Writer

You've come out to yourself, your family and your friends, but have you come out at work? The freedom of being yourself from 9 to 5 can be rewarding -- and a little frightening.

In or Out?

"My fears about coming out at work ranged from being very serious, like losing my job, to the not-so-serious but bothersome, like hearing rude jokes or comments regarding homosexuality." - Mary Risher, 31

According to Monster Equal Opportunity Advisor Kim Mills of the Human Rights Campaign, the biggest concern people have about coming out at work is losing their job. And this is legitimate, since in 38 states it is legal to discriminate against employees based on their sexual orientation. Coming out at work could open the door to blatant hostility, termination or being passed over for promotions.

Why Risk It?

"When you're out -- whether you're accepted by your peers or not -- you're being true to yourself, which is the most important thing for living a valid life." - Angela Holton, 35

What possesses people to come out on the job when the potential risks are so great? According to Mills, those who feel safe enough to come out on the job often experience a more integrated and honest identity. The stress of living a dual life -- sometimes in, sometimes out -- can be exhausting. Worrying about being found out or accidentally slipping up when referring to a partner takes an emotional toll.

"I felt a sense of freedom and empowerment when I stopped hiding such a huge part of myself," says Risher. "I immediately felt more confident and comfortable with myself and around my coworkers; it made my life at work much better."

First, Consider This

"Don't come out at work, with family or anytime until you are personally ready. It's not something you can take back. Sharing anything that revealing makes you susceptible to negative reactions -- be prepared for it." - Risher

Reactions from coworkers or bosses can range from support and encouragement to shock and disapproval. In his book Outing Yourself: How to Come Out As a Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends and Coworkers, Michelangelo Signorile describes the importance of assessing the nature of your workplace before deciding to come out. Consider your personal safety. If you are in an extremely homophobic, hostile environment, finding a new job may make more sense than coming out in your current one.

Barring this threat, Signorile recommends making a list of everyone in your workplace who has an effect on your job. Think about how each person might react upon learning of your sexual orientation. How important to your career are those who might react negatively? Is it realistic to think your job could be jeopardized, or is this fear more imagined? Taking an analytical approach to this process can help you get a clearer picture of what to anticipate.

Mills also suggests finding out if your company has a written policy regarding discrimination based on sexual orientation. If other employees have come out, connect with them to gain a valuable support network.

Out and About

"I've always spoken of 'we' and 'our' and 'us' when asked by coworkers about my evening or weekend plans, and I just let people draw their own conclusions. When you demonstrate comfort your own with your orientation, those around you will follow your cue." - Holton

If you've decided to come out at work, how will you actually do it?

"Don't come in with a big 'I'm Gay!' announcement," says Mills. An overwhelming statement isn't necessary and only increases potential shock value.

Choose a few trusted coworkers, possibly those who you think may have been wondering about your sexuality, to tell first. Or put a picture of you and your partner on your desk. If asked about your weekend plans, mention doing something with your partner or attending a gay pride event, for example. By letting information spread as it may, you reinforce that this new information about you is not earth-shattering, but just another facet of your life.

"Initially, coming out at work was a huge issue -- at least to me," says Steve, who preferred not to use his last name. "I was so well-received, though, that now it's not even spoken about. It's been the easiest thing in the world."